Well Avery's due date was September 28, 2010. I didn't post about it that day because I was pretty down. I've dreaded that day since they were born and even more since Adison passed away. I just knew it would be a hard day to get through and not think about the what ifs and whys. If they were born then all would be well and this blog would have just been started and it would be about Adison Grace and Avery Faith.
When I was pregnant I so looked forward to that day, the day I would get to meet and hold my beautiful baby girls. Little did I know that wouldn't be the case. When they were born I got to give them a quick kiss then they were whisked off to the NICU. I didn't get to hold Adison until she was dying and I didn't get to hold Avery until she was 17 days old.
I know most babies come a little earlier or later than their due date but not 15 weeks early. I know it wasn't my fault but I still feel like I failed my babies and I think that's something I will never get over. I'm still mad at my body, my idiot Dr., and if I'll be real honest, God. I just don't understand and will never understand why all this had to happen the way it did. I know there's a reason for everything and God has a plan but this plan really sucks @$$! I can't think of a reason for the life of me why Adison had to go and why they had to be born so early.
I do however thank God every single day 100 times a day for my sweet Avery and that she's doing so well. I know He's right there with her and me. He's what has gotten me through all of this. I know He's a big God and He can handle me being a little mad at Him.
As mad as I am, I am even more thankful and feel blessed beyond measure for the time I had with Adison and for Avery to still be here.
I'm glad their due date has passed and I got through it, hopefully next year it will be easier. Maybe I'll be so busy with Avery I won't have time to think about what day it is! For now every milestone and triumph of Avery's will be bittersweet. I wish Adison were here doing all the same things. Mostly though I am and will be thankful and so happy for all of Avery's accomplishments. She is truly a miracle and I won't take that for granted a single day.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
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4 comments:
First off i am crying so hard i can barely see. that is so how i feel minus losing a baby and i ache for you knowing you had to go through that. i could not imagine loosing allie. i too wonder why and what if. i too am mad at my body my doctors and GOD a little. I got one shot at this because i can have any more kids and i feel like it was ripped from me way to early. i will NEVER get to do that again, and thats what pisses me off. girl you dont got me going. i am glad you got through your due date and it might not of been what you wanted or expected but at least you have a miracle that made it out with you
oh yea who was your doctor?
You're exactly right, I do have a miracle that's coming home with me and most of the time that's how I look at it, but it doesn't stop me from missing Adison and wishing so badly she were here. I know it will get easier but right now it sucks so bad.
Dr. Frayer in martin tn. I have a real bad attitude towards him. I plan on putting the whole story on here, because everyone keeps asking how everything went down.
Who was your Dr.?
dr wynstra in mayfield.i loved him until the last. i kept coming in with contractions and a car wrech is what set them off. when they delivered allie they discovered that my placenta was 45% detached. no one ever check or anything to see why i was contractin all the time. then 3 hours before she came they seen it and freaked out
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