Heavy Heart

This post isn't entirely about Avery but I just need to release all these emotions and ask for prayers. I know all who read Avery's blog believe in the power of prayer and are faithful in praying for her.
This year has been by far the best and worst year of my life. From May until October was the most stressful, sad, happy, mad, grateful, I've ever been. It was always extreme highs and devastating lows. The lowest point was the death of Adison, the highest is the fact that Avery is asleep in her crib at HOME.
"They" (whoever "they" are) say it takes 3-5 years to get over the death of a child. I'll never get over losing Adison. Losing her took a part of me I'll never get back. There will always be this void that can never be filled. I'll never be the same person I was before all of this happened. Not that life doesn't go on or that I'm not happy, there will just always be something missing.
The loss of Adison is enough loss for a lifetime. It's unnatural to lose a child, your children are supposed to outlive you by decades. My heart is so heavy, at times I feel it might explode. Though I know we pretty much live to die she didn't have her chance to live a full and happy life. She was taken way too soon. On top of that the life she did live was pure hell. Always being poked and all the tests that had to be done. All the failed attempts at an IV because her veins were so tiny and she was so sick. She hated to be touched and messed with she would squirm and do her version of a cry. It was and still is heartbreaking. I believe the only joy she got was when her Mommy and Daddy held, kissed and snuggled her while she was dying. She was so peaceful, drugged of course but I know she could feel how much we love her and that we always will. I feel she held on long enough to know that Avery was going to be ok.
At that point Adison and Avery were at two different hospitals. The day Adison died Avery was the sickest she'd ever been that day and the next. I remember the nurse who had Avery the night Adison died told me she just kept praying and telling God "this baby has to make it". That's how sick Avery was.
All the prayers, wonderful doctors, and amazing nurses are the reason Avery is still here and doing so well. She's my miracle and a true testament to God's work. I would give anything to have Adison here with us. I know that one day Josh, Avery, Adison and I will all be together as a whole again.
Two months after the loss of Adison I lost my Granny. While nothing can top the loss of Adison the loss of my Granny was heartbreaking too. We were very close and she was an amazing and strong woman. She herself lost 3 children. All 3 losses were horrible deaths as well. I can't imagine losing 3, the loss of 1 almost did me in. If it weren't for Avery I would probably still be in bed with the blanket over my head. She didn't get to see either one of my girls here on earth, but I know she's holding my beautiful Adison Grace and looking down on Miss Avery Faith.
My Granny was loved by many and it was a great loss for our family, especially my Mom.
As I'm typing this I'm losing another wonderful person in my life. My Granddad aka Papaw will be with Jesus anytime. He's led a long and full life but it's never easy letting go. He's been declining in health since his lung cancer diagnosis 7 years ago. We could have lost him then, so I'm thankful for these last 7 years.
While I was pregnant he would always ask "how are my babies doing?" He was so excited about me having twins. Unfortunately he didn't get to meet Adison. I did take Avery to see him while he was in Vanderbilt. When we walked in I told him I brought a very special visitor. I had her covered with a blanket, when I pulled the blanket down and showed Avery to him he lit up. It was so sweet and I'll never forget the look on his face, He said "oh there's my baby!" It was priceless and I'm so glad I took her to see him.
There's several little one's in our family and they all adore him. The adoration goes both ways. When he found out he was dying he said he was at peace with dying, but the one thing he's upset about is not seeing all his babies grow up. I believe he'll see everyone of them grow up, just from a different angle.
I can't be with my family because a few of them are sick and I can't risk getting sick or giving something to Avery. While I know they understand it's still hard not being able to be there for everyone especially my Dad. My prayer is that my Papaw goes peacefully and that my Granny, Dad, Aunt, Uncle, Sister, all our family and myself find some peace and comfort in knowing he's in the most glorious place.
I'll have lost 3 of the greatest people in my life this year. I'm heartbroken over all 3. I've never healed from the first and hardest loss, yet I keep losing people I love. When I walked in my Granny's funeral I had to walk out because it was the same funeral home Adison was at. It was like pouring salt on a wound. That's how I feel now, like salt keeps getting poured on my wounded heart. I know God has a plan and purpose but I just don't know or understand it.
I ask for prayers for my family and for myself. Please pray that God continues to wrap his arms around us and comforts us. Please pray that I can make it through another funeral. Also while you're at it say a pray for Avery. She's doing just fine but just pray that she continues to do well, thrive, and grow. I don't just want her to be ok, I need her to be ok. She's my everything and I couldn't be more proud or thankful for her.